Category: Defies a category!

The 10 Best Smoking Gun Stories of 2002
Shift Magazine’s profile of The Smoking Gun mentioned a number of great scoops the guys have put together over the years, but they’re only a taste of what the site has to offer — mere appetizers to fuel your hunger for dishes marinated in eau de political scandal and smothered in creamy, steamy celebrity hypocrisy sauces. So just in case you haven’t been logging on to The Smoking Gun on a near-daily basis like all of us in the Shift office, here’s a collection of the best stories from the past year:
10. THE WESLEY SNIPES INCOME TAX SCANDAL
In 2001, the now-outlawed tax preparer Douglas Rosile filed an amended return for Snipes’s 1997 taxes, in which Rosile reduced his gross taxable income from nineteen million and change to zero. Yeah, that’s right: zero dollars. The claim suggested that Snipes should be awarded a $7,360,755 tax refund. Apparently, acting isn’t a taxable source of income anymore. (Well, it ain’t philanthropy: The charitable thing would be to remove the phrase “Always bet on black” from our cultural history.) The amended form is reprinted on the site.
9. ELVIS’S CORONER REPORT
On the 25th anniversary of Presley’s death, we were treated to the nitty-gritty details of the Memphis Medical Examiner’s report. Apparently The King was circumsized… in case you wanted to know.
8. THE CASE OF THE KOURNIKOVA NIPPLE LOOK-A-LIKES
Frank Ramaesiri sold a video of a topless sunbather, who he claimed was Anna Kournikova, to Penthouse — who then published the “exclusive” screen caps. Turns out, it wasn’t Kournikova. TSG’s transcripts of Ramaesiri’s court testimony reveal the exacting process he went through to verify that his footage was indeed of the popular young tennis star: He compared the sizes of the areolas and determined he had a match. Match point, that is. I mean, pointy match. I mean… Oh, never mind.
7. THE WORST “BAD MOMMIE” STORY OF 2002
Danyle Fowler was arrested for sending her eleven-year-old son out to buy her crack, and threatening to beat him if he didn’t. Runners-up in this category (the former PTA president who arranged a birthday party for her sixteen-year-old son that included a felating stripper, beer, Jack Daniels and lessons on joint-rolling technique; and the woman who shot her ten-year-old with a bb gun ’cause he wouldn’t get into the car) are trumped in this category by the hideous photo. Ouch.
6. SOFT-CORE SURVIVOR
The Smoking Gun published pics of new Survivor contestant Brian Heidik — who is listed as a past stockbroker, motorcycle salesman, writer and actor on the CBS press bio — in his soft-core acting roles. Spokesperson Colleen Sullivan told TSG that network brass were “absolutely aware” of Heidik’s soft-core resume, adding that she did not believe CBS officials “sat down and had a screening of the films.”
5. MICHAEL JORDAN VERSUS KARLA KNAFEL
As Shift’s Associate Publisher Kevin Siu puts it: “Because it’s Jordan.”
4. THE JACKASS APOLOGY LETTER
The details of Dave England’s stunt, and how he offended this woman, are pretty much irrelevant. What’s worth noting here is the sincerity that drips and oozes from his scrawled script when he scribbles, “Frankly, I’ve been having a hard time just living with myself. I wish there was some way to go back in time and take on the role of a respectable human being instead of a reckless animal… I hope you were able to make a speedy and full recovery, and again, I am very sorry.
P.S. — I hope you have a great mother’s day.”
3. THE COLLECTED CONCERT RIDERS / MUG SHOTS
In 2002, TSG collected the mug shots and concert riders they’d been publishing since the site’s inception. Hours and hours of entertainment: Peep in on ZZ Top’s medical needs (“Oxygen and face mask must be available 30 minutes prior to performance in immediate backstage area and remain available at all times until 30 minutes after conclusion of performance”), Snoop’s gaming habits (“VERY IMPORTANT: Snoop’s dressing room should have one (1) complete Sony Playstation with miscellaneous 1999 sport video cartridges (Madden 99, NBA Live 99, NCAA College 99, Triple Play 99, and 4 controls)”) and browse the mug shots to answer the question “who the hell are all those people on the Shift cover, anyway?”
2. THE 20TH HIJACKER’S BEAUTIFUL MIND
A defense memorandum of law filed by Zacarias Moussaoui’s lawyers compared the 20th hijacker to the character portrayed by Russell Crowe in Ron Howard’s A Beautiful Mind. The report states that Moussaoui “would not answer the question directly as to whether he had had hallucinations currently or in the past,” and concludes, “Because [John Nash] was such a genius, his illness was difficult to recognize by those around him. Mr. Moussaoui’s high intellect has much the same effect here.”
1. ENRON’S CODE OF ETHICS
‘Nuff said.

Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 cup walnuts
1 gallon of whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
Snappy Molidays!

DIRRTY GIRL?
The New York Post reporting that Christina Aguilera is in talks with Playboy to pose for the magazine. She’d be the first-ever non-nude celebrity featured.

There’s Beer to Wash Away Your Troubles
BERLIN (Reuters) – There are days when you feel like a bath full of beer, not just a glass.
Now you can have both — thanks to a German brewery which has developed a beer you can wash down your food with or wash down your body.
Klosterbrauerei, or monastic brewery, was looking for ways to mop up excess capacity in a slumping beer market and struck upon the bathtime supplement to help tipplers soak away their stresses and strains.
The brewery, in Neuzelle, near Leipzig, eastern Germany, says the dark brown brew has restorative powers for both the mind and body to improve the skin and pep up spirits.
“It opens up the pores, the yeast penetrates the skin and after 15 minutes your skin feels softer everywhere,” company spokesman Dirk Vock told Reuters. “It is also a good remedy for people with skin problems.”
“The beer cloaks bathers in a delicate aroma of malt,” said, Vock who recommended about three liters of beer per bathtub.
But Klosterbrauerei, which showed the bath beer to shoppers in Leipzig Thursday, said those taking a boozy dip would not end up smelling like a brewery.
“When you get to work, you won’t smell like you’ve just emerged from the corner bar,” Vock said.
Although once the beer has been mixed with the bathwater, Vock says it is best not to take a sneaky sup.
“Obviously you wouldn’t want to drink bath oil once you’ve bathed in it either,” he said.

One in Four Men Fakes Orgasms
LONDON (Reuters) – Women are not the only ones to turn on the acting abilities in the bedroom, said a survey released ahead of the world’s largest adult festival in London.
The survey of 2,500 Britons, by organizers of the Erotica 2002 festival, said 23 percent of men claimed to have faked an orgasm, compared to 56 percent of women.
Almost half of the participants confessed to enjoying threesomes, the survey added.
Erotica said in a publicity statement sent over the weekend its survey had destroyed the myth the British are a nation of prudes. “Orgies, lust, cheating and faking it — you name it, the British are doing it,” the statement said.
Organizers of the festival, which begins on Friday, expect more than 60,000 people to attend the three-day event, where tantric sex tutors will be schooling willing pupils in the arts of sexual awareness and non-tactile arousal.
“The mass love-in will be closely monitored by security guards to stop things getting out of hand,” Erotica’s publicity statement added.

Michael Jackson Thriller: Dangles Baby Out Window

BERLIN (Reuters) – Singer Michael Jackson briefly dangled a barefoot baby over the railing of his fourth-floor hotel window on Tuesday, providing a momentary if odd thriller for fans waiting on Berlin’s central square below.
The “King of Pop” arrived in the German capital after three days of testimony last week in California in a $21 million lawsuit by a German promoter over canceled concerts.
A crowd of screaming fans greeted the reclusive entertainer, in town to receive a lifetime achievement award at a ceremony on Thursday night, in front of the Adlon Hotel.
When he got up to his room, Jackson opened his window and held a light-skinned baby, a white towel over the tot’s head, briefly over the metal railing. He held the baby with one hand.
Jackson also showed off another child who was about four or five years old. The child, whose face was also covered in white, waved to the crowd below.
A spokeswoman said Jackson was traveling with his children.
Jackson has three children, two by ex-wife Debbie Rowe, five-year-old son Prince Michael and four-year-old daughter Paris. He also has a baby who is less than one year old.
Jackson arrived to the hotel wearing a white surgical mask over his mouth and nose, but later removed it.

Fast-Food Customer Loses Appetite Over Toilets
STOCKHOLM (Reuters) – A customer in an international hamburger chain outlet in western Sweden lost his appetite when he discovered the restaurant’s toilet seats were being washed in its dishwasher alongside the kitchen utensils.
The man noticed on a visit to the bathroom in the restaurant in Arvika, Sweden, that all the toilet seats had been removed.
When he asked staff about the missing seats, an employee took them out of a dishwasher where they had been cleaned together with trays and kitchen utensils, the Swedish TT news agency reported on Thursday, quoting the regional newspaper Nya Wermlands-Tidningen.
The employee tried to reassure the customer by saying that the freshly washed toilet seat would be warm and pleasant to sit on.
A senior representative of the restaurant chain said the incident was a mistake and not standard company procedure. Arvika’s environmental and health inspector later visited the restaurant.

James Bond Resumes Smoking After 13-Year Break
LONDON (Reuters) – After 13 years without a smoke, world famous secret agent James Bond has started puffing again, Britain’s Sunday Times newspaper reported.
It published an image from the latest Bond film, “Die Another Day,” in which Bond actor Pierce Brosnan is smoking a cigar.
The decision to feature cigars in the film, which premieres in London Monday, has outraged the anti-smoking lobby.
Bond, better known for his vodka-martinis than his nicotine habit, smoked in his early films but has not been seen with a cigarette since the 1989 film “License to Kill.”
When Brosnan took over the role in the mid-1990s he adopted a strong anti-smoking stance but agreed to smoke cigars in the latest movie because it is set in Cuba, the paper reported.
Britain is expected to toughen its rules on cigarette advertising next year, outlawing the use of cigarettes in films and television dramas.
The paper said “Die Another Day” is littered with blatant plugs for a variety of brand names, prompting critics to dub it “Buy another Day.”

Which Winona are you?