THE 50 BEST BITS, GAGS AND QUIPS THAT CRACK UP PRO COMICS – AND MAY HAVE YOU SPLITTING YOUR SIDES
To assemble this collection of jokes, The New York Post contacted dozens of comics, ranging from top-dollar headliners in Vegas to regulars on “Late Night” and “The Daily Show” to up-and-comers who do alt-comedy at local bars. They asked them to tell us the best gag they’d written in the past year and their favorite punch line delivered by another comedian. So according to some of the funniest people on earth, these are the 50 most hilarious jokes of the last 12 months, whether they were told in nightclubs, on television or around a platter of fries at a late-night diner meal. Feel free to incite your own laugh riot.
A doctor tells a guy: “I have bad news. You have Alzheimer’s, and you have cancer.” Guy says, “Thank God I don’t have cancer.”
Hillary Clinton says she’s the most qualified because she was married to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you, if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, “Wait, let’s get his wife.”
I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.”
After miraculously surviving two heart surgeries, pneumonia and a mild stroke, at 82 my grandfather was no longer able to care for himself. Now he lives with my aunt who spoon-feeds him, takes him to the bathroom, etc. Proof that what doesn’t kill you makes you a burden to someone else.
Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now?
I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over.
John McCain is so old that running for President is on his bucket list.
My uncle is in a coma – he’s living the dream. (Paul Provenza’s favorite)
I think I might vote for Barack Obama. Because I live in New York City and have been giving black guys change for the past 10 years. I want to see what it feels like for a black guy to give me change.
Alex Rodriguez never gets clutch hits in October, yet his fans insist on comparing him to Babe Ruth. So A-Rod tries to get as close as he can to Ruth-type achievements. Before the playoffs last year, A-Rod went to a hospital and promised a dying kid that he’d ground out to second Base for him. And I was at the game, people, it’s true – A-Rod pointed to second Base.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
At the Tony Awards: I’m here with Harvey Fierstein, nominated tonight for the “I Hate Vagina Monologues.”
I took nine years of French, but I can’t remember any of it. I realized on the plane ride over that if someone doesn’t ask me what color my hat is, I’ll have nothing to talk about for two weeks.
You know why the US can’t find Osama Bin Laden? They’re using the wrong agency to look for him. Don’t send the Army, Navy, Marines or the CIA – send Child Support!
I was eating an orange the other day and a friend said, “Did you know nothing rhymes with ‘orange?’ ” So, I threw the orange at his head and said, “Now your face is swollen red ’cause I just threw an orange at your big fat head. Does that rhyme with ‘orange,’ you jackass?”
To America, there’s just something about Charlie Sheen working with children that “feels right.” (Bill Maher’s favorite)
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.
During a “Weekend Update” segment about Eliot Spitzer: And you wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn’t want to wear a condom? Really?!? That might not be scary if you were client number 1, but you were client number 9. I wear a condom if I’m ninth in line at the deli. (Robert “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog” Smigel’s favorite)
I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.
On his daughter’s diaper: There was so much poop. It didn’t look like a baby’s poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic took a dump. (Nick Dipaolo’s favorite)
Cellphones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them!
Tupac Shakur’s mother was a Black Panther. His father was a regular panther. (Russell Peters’ favorite)
I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.
I’m sick of Heather Mills. Now that she’s divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leppard. They can rub their stumps together.
I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.
I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.
My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.” (Harland Williams’ favorite)
Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection? (Jackie Mason’s favorite)
They say Hillary Clinton has a bad personality. Really? I forgot about Dick Cheney’s wow factor.
Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years. (Bobby Slayton’s favorite)
Gasoline prices are highest in Hawaii, closing in on $4 a gallon. President Bush said, “See, I told you it wasn’t only in our country!”
One hundred and fifty years ago, England was fueled primarily from burning Catholics. It’s a naturally renewable resource. (Seth Herzog’s favorite)
They say gay people have “gaydar,” which lets them figure out who else is gay. Waiters in expensive restaurants have something similar, called “poor-dar.” They always know I shouldn’t be there, and I can tell by the way they talk to me: “Sir, can I take your coat – out back and burn it?” “Can I call you a car – or will you be riding a boxcar out of town?”
My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!” (Adira Amram’s favorite)
Have you heard they’re doing a sequel to “Brokeback Mountain?”
No, what’s it called?
“Brokeback Mountain 2.”
I don’t wear vanilla-scented lotion or perfume. Most girls love that crap, but I can’t do it. ‘Cause I can’t be the fat girl that smells like Rice Krispie treats. Can’t do it. People are all like, “God, Desiree! Did you eat again?!”
It’s significant Barack Obama is running. I think it’s important for black people to have a chance to be misrepresented by one of their own. (Greg Proops’ favorite)
I just got engaged. My fiancÈe won’t take my name because “Lisa Levin” sounds awful. So she’s just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand – it’s a family name.
I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick “Me Kick” signs on my back. Then everyone thought I was the bully – with bad grammar and the courtesy to give a heads up. (Liam McEneaney’s favorite)
A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, “Oh, my God!” She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, “Watch out for the wall!” (David Wain’s favorite)
I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe. (Todd Levin’s favorite)