The world according to Dan.

The next installment of Survivor will take place at the beach. In a place called Nuku Hiva. It means “…no worries.”

Here is some good news. The horrible show “Inside Schwartz” will be benched during November sweeps. Please NBC, bring back Jesse!

Here are the new DVD and video releases for Tuesdat, October 23rd, 2001

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: SPECIAL EDITION (DVD)
Yes, you read that right. A Special Edition! And man is it special. In addition to a whole second disc of extras and audio commentaries during the film, there are 24 seconds of extra footage. Yes! Can you believe it!??! 24 whole extra seconds! Enjoy. Ni! Ni!

MONTY PYTHON LIVE (DVD)
JABBERWOCKY (DVD)
FINAL FANTASY: SPECIAL EDITION (VHS & DVD)
DUMBO: 60th ANNIVERSARY EDITION (VHS & DVD)
BATTLE OF THE PLANETS Vol. 1 & 2 (VHS & DVD)

FREDDY GOT FINGERED (VHSr & DVD)
This funny flick may be a bit much for those that don’t appreciate the subtle nuances of director/star Tom Green, but the DVD features some fun features… Among them is a “family-friendly” PG version of the film, which clocks in at a whole 3 minutes, and an audio track recorded at the film’s Hollywood premiere, with more activity than a bad sitcom laugh track… The disc also includes full commentary from Green, and scene commentary from co-stars Harland Williams, Marisa Coughlan, and Rip Torn.

Dr. DOLITTLE 2 (VHS & DVD)
CHRISTINA’S HOUSE (VHSr & DVD)
ECW: BEST OF CACTUS KAC & THE DUDLEY BOYZ (VHS & DVD)
EIGHT LEGS TO LOVE YOU (VHS)
DEEP IN THE WOODS (VHS & DVD)
WISHMASTER 3: BEYOND THE GATES OF HELL (VHSr & DVD)
DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN (THE O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU? CONCERT) (DVD)
ABOUT ADAM (VHS & DVD)
STAR TREK: TOS, Vol. 35 & 36 (DVD)

Plus… DVD releases of BARBIE IN THE NUTCRACKER (!?!?!?), ULTIMATE JORDAN, FUNNY GIRL, KING OF THE PECOS, JAMES A. MICHENER’S TEXAS, GONE TO TEXAS.

– FOX has ordered a full season of the incredible show UNDECLARED
– NBC has picked up SCRUBS for a full season
– CBS has ordered a full season of episodes for THE GUARDIAN
– A&E will rebroadcast last week’s THIRD WATCH special this Friday
– CBS has postponed the anthrax episode of THE AGENCY indefinitely
– FOX has moved its Sunday premieres back a week to November 11th- READ this one again! FOX has moved its Sunday premieres back a week to November 11th. That includes The Simpsons and all of tje rest of Fox’s Sunday night lineup.
– Sean Hayes (Will & Grace) will guest on SCRUBS on 11/6
– Pat Benatar will appear on DHARMA & GREG in November
– The EMMYS have been rescheduled for November 4th
– Nick Turturro (NYPD Blue) has signed a holding deal with CBS
– Jamie Oliver (Naked Chef) plans to leave the BBC to concentrate on shows for an international audience

Here are this week’s new music releases for Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001

BT: R&R (Nettwerk)
APHEX TWIN Drukqs (Sire)
HOPE SANDOVAL Bavarian Fruit Bread (Rough Trade)
INCUBUS Morning View (Epic/Immortal)
BUSH Golden State (Atlantic)
ENIGMA: LSD – Love Sensuality Devotion (Virgin)
DAVE MATTHEWS BAND Live In Chicago… (RCA)
HARRY CONNICK JR., 30’s and Songs I’ve Heard (Columbia)
THE CRANBERRIES Wake Up and Smell the Coffee (MCA)
TONI BRAXTON Snowflakes (La Face/Arista)
C-MURDER: C-P-3.com (Frontline/Priority)
DMX The Great Depression (Def Jam)
DJ RAP First Lady of Jungle (Intuit-Solar)
ERICK SERMON The Sermon (J)
TOO $HORT Chase the Cat (Jive)
RAS KASS Van Gogh (Frontline/Priority)
RAE & CHRISTIAN Anotherlatenight
MARK CHESNUTT Almost Goodbye (Universal)
DILATED PEOPLES Expansion Team (Capitol)
SIMPLE MINDS Neon Lights (Eagle)
Various A TRIBUTE TO MARILYN MANSON
Various LBC LOUNGE: A TRIBUTE TO SUBLIME
Various THE STEEL GUITAR TRIBUTE TO ERIC CLAPTON

Plus… TOM ADAMS, NUSRAT ALI KHAN, RONDI CHARLESTON, BOBBY CONN, T. BUBBA, DON BYRON, CARLITO, DILATED PEOPLES, EASTERN DUB TACTIK, EINSTURZENDE NEUBAUTEN, FU MANCHU, BONEY JAMES, THE JULIANA THEORY, ANITA LANE, THE LAST HARD MEN, TRACY LAWRENCE, KELLI MACK, MEST, MOGWAI, Mr. LEN, NIVEA, LINDSAY PAGANO, PROPER TALENT, KENNY ROGERS, SUB.BIONIC, TWINKLE BROTHERS, TWISTED SISTER, GLENN WASHINGTON, HANK WILSON, SAUL WILLIAMS, and the soundtracks to K-PAX, THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE, and THE ONE.

“I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.” -Steven Wright

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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” -Rita Rudner

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“Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive.” -David Henry

Britney Beats Off Wild Boars

BRITNEY SPEARS is helping German farmers beat off a plague of wild boars – by scaring the pigs with her music.

The animals are destroying crops in Germany but can’t be shot because they’re a protected species – so arable man HERRMANN-JOSEF BECKER tried playing tunes to drive them away. He says, “MADONNA didn’t work too well, ROBBIE WILLIAMS was a dead loss but they can’t stand Britney Spears. “When I switch on OOPS I DID IT AGAIN, or I’M NOT THAT INNOCENT, the pigs come snorting out and running for the woods.” Thirty other farmers near the city of Trier are now using the pop princess to keep the boars off their wheat, hops and maize.

Now, if she only made stye calls.

Sly’s Twenty Big Reasons to Star in Rocky Six

SYLVESTER STALLONE is set to rake in $26 million by starring in ROCKY SIX. SLY has admitted he’s planning a final film outing for former heavyweight champion ROCKY BALBOA.

The fifth instalment in the hardhitting trilogy came out in 1990, and devastated fans by leaving the hero penniless and brain-damaged at its end. But now a worker on the project reassures the public, “Sly wants to complete the Rocky series on a happy note.”

Yeah, but what if the movie sucks?

When the Academy Awards are handed out next March, could Kevin Spacey lose to himself? Maybe!

Harry Potter Set to Smash All Records

Movie industry experts predict that HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE will become the all-time number one smash when it is released on 16 November, 2001.

The film version of author J.K.ROWLING’s first novel is expected to eaily surpass the $585 million grossed by TITANIC in 1997.

The $130 million movie is directed by CHRIS COLUMBUS and stars ALAN RICKMAN, ROBBIE COLTRANE and MAGGIE SMITH. The part of HARRY POTTER is played by DANIEL RADCLIFFE, whose face is set to be on millions of COCA COLA cans. Top film journalist MARSHALL JULIUS says, “It is entirely possible that this will become the biggest grossing film ever. I reckon films and merchandising takings could exceed $1 billion dollars.”

Yes, but what if the movie sucks?