In case you want to watch TV and you don’t care about the Oscars…

…here are the best Oscar alternatives on TV
When someone says “Juno,” do you say, “Awards”?
When someone says “3:10 to Yuma,” do you say, “Air Canada totally has screwed up my itinerary?”
When someone says “No Country For Old Men,” do you say, “Are the Rolling Stones touring again?”
When someone says “There Will Be Blood,” do you say, “Yeah, I’m really looking forward to the next federal election”?
And when someone says “Ratatouille,” do you say, “There’s no way I’m eating that goulash”?
If any of those examples rings a bell, then maybe the Academy Awards, which will be televised tonight on CTV and ABC, aren’t for you.
Luckily, there always are TV alternatives. Among them:
Intruders: Aliens Speak Out (Space)
In some previous years, you could categorize the Oscar acceptance speeches this way, couldn’t you? Anyway, this Canadian-produced documentary digs into the phenomenon of so-called alien abductions by featuring the stories of five alleged abductees. If this all sounds quite reasonable to you, then hey, tear yourself away from your $11,000 worth of video games and enjoy!
On Screen (Bravo)
The presentation tonight looks at the movie Kissed, which is Lynne Stopkewich’s 1996 film about necrophilia. Hey, we said there were alternatives. We didn’t say they’d all be suitable for the whole family.
The Godfather Part II (AMC)
OK, this movie officially has replaced The Blues Brothers as the most frequently seen movie on TV. Rarely while clicking around does one come across the original version of The Godfather, nor do we encounter the largely dreadful Godfather III. It’s always Part II. Sheesh, if we knew anyone named Fredo, we’d take him fishing, if you know what we mean.
Big Brother: ‘Til Death Do You Part (Global, CBS)
The nomination ceremony and food competition take place. Hmmm, hopefully no one is serving ratatouille.
Cheerleader Nation (CMT)
America’s bizarre and borderline creepy fascination with cheerleading continues as tryouts start for the Dunbar High School Varsity and Junior Varsity squads. “Gimme a C. Gimme an R. Gimme an A. Gimme a P. What’s that spell?”
Monarchy: The Royal Family at Work (CBC)
The third and final instalment of this documentary series sees the Queen’s children discussing the lifetime jobs into which they were born. Wait a minute, the Queen’s kids have jobs? We’ve never seen any of those positions posted on Workopolis.
Hannah Montana (Family)
Okay, this whole Miley Cyrus craze caught us totally off guard. Of course, when we look in the mirror, we don’t see a 9-year-old girl, either. Anyway, with an episode called “She’s a Super Sneak” (Rick James is rolling in his grave), here’s a chance to investigate what all the fuss is about. By the way, Miley Cyrus will be one of Barbara Walters’ victims tonight on her annual Oscar “Let’s see who I can make cry” interrogation special on CTV and ABC, along with Vanessa Williams, Harrison Ford and Canuck Ellen Page.
Trailer Park Boys (Showcase)
Two words: Bubbles wrestles.