Fametracker’s Ten Least Essential Fall Films, 2003
Once upon a time, the names Woody Allen, Dustin Hoffman, Denzel Washington, Steve Martin and, yes, even Eddie Murphy would have been cause for excitement in a fall movie season. Now, however, they merely prove that there are just as many inessential movies in the fall as there are in the summer, except that in the fall, the inessential movies have bigger stars in them.
Thankfully, the name Cuba Gooding Jr. has always been, and remains to be, a reliable indicator of inessentiality. Unlike the leaves, some things don’t change.
Herewith, Fametracker presents the 10 (and a half) films that you definitely will not have to worry about when it’s time to fill out your Oscar pool ballot.:
10. Out of Time
Release Date: October 3
The Plot: Denzel Washington stars as a cop wrongly accused of murder. Now the race is on to find the real killer!
The Pitch: There’s a new sensation sweeping America! It’s bland-cop-drama- with-bland-title fever! Catch it!
Why It’s Inessential: Um, we kind of like the director, Carl Franklin, but what is up with these titles? One False Move? Nowhere to Run? One True Thing? Out of Time? We’re curious to know what this new film is about, but unfortunately we dozed off while reading the title, somewhere between “of” and “Time.”
9. Runaway Jury
Release Date: October 17
The Plot: John Cusack plays a juror who is going to sell the jury he’s on to an evil jury-buying guy (Gene Hackman) or, perhaps, to another guy who also wants to buy the jury (Dustin Hoffman).
The Pitch: With all this jury buying and potential jury buying going on, you’ll never guess who ends up buying the jury. One thing’s for sure — somebody’s going to buy this jury!
Why It’s Inessential: Perhaps John Grisham books-turned-movies would fare better if they were only shown on airplanes. Bonus points: With the name Runaway Jury, they’re doing the critics’ work for them! Look for plenty of variations on “The Verdict’s In On This Film: Runaway!” or “We Find This Film Guilty — Of Making Us Want To Runaway!”
8. Shattered Glass
Release Date: October 17
The Plot: A New York magazine writer (Hayden Christensen) fools several high-ranking editors by completely fabricating his stories.
The Pitch: This is the stuff of high drama, people! Seriously! These articles were, like, totally filled with misinformation! Many if not most of the facts were inaccurate and unreliable!
Why It’s Inessential: If you pore over Romenesko’s Medianews site every day, you’ll line up for this movie like it’s The Phantom Menace and you speak Jawa. Sadly, the other 99.5% of the population may have trouble working up a fervour about a dramatization of a fact-checking scandal at The New Republic. [“I’d read about this movie before, but I would have sworn, before I got the EW Fall Movie Preview, that it was made-for-Showtime.” — Wing Chun]
7. The Alamo
Release Date: December 25
The Plot: Liberty-crazed fanatics are wiped out in a famous Texas mismatch.
The Pitch: It’s the feel-good historical massacre movie of the season! See it Christmas Day!
Why It’s Inessential: With so many second choices, this cast is the “Who You Wanted; Who You Got” All-Stars: Harrison Ford? How about Dennis Quaid? Russell Crowe? How about Billy Bob Thornton? And we’ll throw in Jason Patric as a freebie!
6. Cheaper by the Dozen
Release Date: December 25
The Plot: Somebody call the Sleep Clinic, because Steve Martin is sleepwalking through another comedy!
The Pitch: He’s got twelve kids! Who said “Eight is Enough”?! Who said the Bradys had a “bunch”? Fuck those Brady Bunch bitches!
Why It’s Inessential: “Dear Steve Martin: I’ve really been enjoying my recent work with Wes Anderson. I’m also very excited about my new film, Lost In Translation. I feel like I’m doing the best, most interesting work of my life! It’s exhilarating! So, how are things going with your film career? Regards, Bill Murray”
5. Duplex
Release Date: September 26
The Plot: Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore are a nutty New York couple who want to get the old woman upstairs to move out so they can take her apartment.
The Pitch: We’re no psychics, but it’s quite likely that their nefarious schemes will backfire on them in amusing ways, perhaps involving electrocution.
Why It’s Inessential: Fortunately, Ben Stiller. Unfortunately, Drew Barrymore. Fortunately, it’s written by Simpsons vet Larry Doyle. Unfortunately, it’s directed by Danny DeVito, the auteur of such “comedies” as The War of the Roses and Death to Smoochy. Also: Drew Barrymore.
4. The Haunted Mansion
Release Date: November 26
The Plot: Eddie Murphy stars as a man who moves his family into a haunted mansion.
The Pitch: If you liked Pirates of the Caribbean, you’ll love The Haunted Mansion, which has nothing to do with that other movie, except it shares the same origin, in that it was inspired by a theme-park ride!
Why It’s Inessential: (a) It takes over the #4 slot on the Inessential List from Eddie Murphy’s inessential summer movie, Daddy Day Care. (b) Does Eddie Murphy even care anymore? Even a little bit? (c) Hey, we ended up liking Pirates of the Caribbean too, but we’re guessing Eddie Murphy won’t be mincing around in black eyeliner and beard braids, with a thick Cockney accent.
3.5. From Justin to Kelly
Release Date: December 25
The Plot: The stars of American Idol take to the beach in this long-awaited tribute to the musicals of…what? They released this already? Sorry, we must have been asleep for the twenty minutes this movie was in the theatres. Moving along then…
3. Honey
Release Date: November 14
The Plot: Honey (Jessica Alba) aspires to leave her Bronx roots behind by becoming a famous dancer.
The Pitch: It’s being called the Glitter of 2003, only better.
Why It’s Inessential: Apparently the filmmakers don’t understand that to make a better version of Glitter is actually to miss the point, and thus a bad thing. Now, if they could make a worse version of Glitter, and cast Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck in it, and maybe get Cuba Gooding Jr. to play a retarded man…wait a second…
2. Radio
Release Date: November 21
The Plot: Cuba Gooding Jr. stars as a retarded black man who teaches a crusty white football coach (Ed Harris) what’s important in life.
The Pitch: It’s the Magical Black Man you enjoyed so much from The Legend of Bagger Vance and The Green Mile, except now he’s retarded! That means he’s 50% less threatening and 100% more endearing!
Why It’s Inessential: The trailer for this movie made us cringe so hard we actually popped out a contact lens. This is being marketed as Black Forrest Gump, but we’re guessing it’s closer to Black Forrest Ham. Boom-cha! Thank you!
1. Anything Else
Release Date: September 19
The Plot: Jason Biggs takes his turn at subconsciously mimicking Woody Allen, as he plays a young joke writer who’s neurotic and has woman problems and dreams of the day when he’ll hit his sixties and thus can really start macking on co-eds.
The Pitch: Two of America’s most famous comic minds, together at last: Woody “Manhattan” Allen and Jason “Saving Silverman” Biggs!
Why It’s Inessential: Because it’s Woody Allen’s attempt to reach out to the pie-fucker generation, who will rightly recoil from his sad, reptilian advances. Because Woody Allen reportedly “handpicked” Biggs after admiring his work in American Pie and Loser. Because Woody Allen apparently goes out to watch movies like Loser, yet won’t venture far enough from his Upper West Side enclave to figure out that there are actual black people living in New York, many of whom aren’t prostitutes. Because once upon a time, Woody Allen made movies like Crimes and Misdemeanors. Because now he makes movies with Christina Ricci in them. Because, as much as it pains us to say it, Woody Allen has become inessential.
Categories