Categories
Movies

Sadly, I’m looking forward to almost all of these!

Fametracker’s Ten Least Essential Holiday Films
The new Spike Jonze film, Adaptation, hits theatres on December 6. Steven Soderbergh’s Solaris opens November 27. Scorsese’s Gangs of New York drops December 20.
But enough about the films you want to see. What about the season’s must-miss flicks? Sure, you have a general sense of which films to avoid. But what about an itemized list, counting down from ten, of the season’s most egregious wastes of celluloid? We hear and obey:
10. The Hot Chick
Release Date: December 13
The Plot: Witchy-looking goth teen turns out to be actual witch; puts spell on obnoxious cheerleader type, who then wakes up in body of Rob Schneider.
The Pitch: If you like Rob Schneider, you’ll love Rob Schneider sausaged into little girl’s halter tops!
Why It’s Inessential: “Hi, I’m Rob Schneider. Can I put on your underwear? What? It’s research!”
9. Narc
Release Date: December 20
The Plot: Ray Liotta plays a rogue cop who helps a narc (Jason Patric) solve a murder.
The Pitch: It’s murder! It’s drugs! It’s two cost-effective co-stars!
Why It’s Inessential: We love Ray Liotta and Jason Patric both. We do. But we worry that when a director says “They never make movies like The French Connection anymore” and “It’s more about characters than explosions,” what he really means is “They never make movies this boring anymore” and “Don’t expect any big action sequences to distract you from the boring.”
8. Blue Collar Comedy Tour
Release Date: January 10
The Plot: Four stand-up comics tour America, united by their white-trashiness.
The Pitch: It’s like The Original Kings of Comedy, without all the black people!
Why It’s Inessential: Because no one sat through The Original Kings of Comedy thinking, “You know, this would be better with more Jeff Foxworthy.”
7. Maid in Manhattan
Release Date: December 13
The Plot: Dashing politician (Ralph Fiennes) falls for hotel chambermaid (Jennifer Lopez) in a modern-day Cinderella story.
The Pitch: (Pretty Woman + sheet-folding) – blowjobs
Why It’s Inessential: Because no one sat through The English Patient thinking, “You know, this would be better with more J.Lo.”
6. Kangaroo Jack
Release Date: January 17
The Plot: Jerry O’Connell and Anthony Anderson race across Australia chasing a kangaroo that’s stolen money from the Mob. Yes, really.
The Pitch: My Big Fat Greek Wedding, except with Jerry O’Connell, Australia, no Greeks, and kangaroos.
Why It’s Inessential: Because no one sat through Tomcats. Bonus reason: Kangaroos? Kangeriffic!
5. A Guy Thing
Release Date: January 17
The Plot: Man sleeps with his fiancÈe’s cousin during his bachelor party, sort of.
The Pitch: Wait a second! My fiancÈe’s a frigid bitch! Phew! Thanks, fiancÈe’s cousin!
Why It’s Inessential: Because, by being released in January, it becomes Jason Lee’s first shitty comedy of 2003, rather than his sixty-third shitty comedy of 2002
4. Adam Sandler’s 8 Crazy Nights
Release Date: November 27
The Plot: An animated Adam Sandler film — with a special appearance by Hanukkah!
The Pitch: “I find the live-action Adam Sandler comedies too nuanced and confusing. Why can’t they make a movie just for me?”
Why It’s Inessential: Involves the word “poopsicle”
3. Extreme Ops
Release Date: November 27
The Plot: Some rad snowboarders and skiers end up in a remote ski lodge, where they run into bad terrorists, whom they proceed to stop by using their snowboards and skis.
The Pitch: There is a big market for films that show extreme snowboard tricks. Ergo, there must be an even bigger market for films that show extreme snowboard tricks, plus Rufus Sewell.
Why It’s Inessential: Overheard in movie theatre, following film’s trailer: “‘Extreme Opes’?”
2. The Lion King
Release Date: December 25
The Plot: Hey, check out this crazy lion cub! And watch out for those hyenazis!
The Pitch: Hey kids, you know that video you have at home? The one that you’ve watched fifty-one times? Why not come see the same movie again, except in a theatre, for money!
Why It’s Inessential: Who? What? Why? Are divorced dads really so hard up for things to do with their kids on the one afternoon of the week that they actually see them?
1. Pinocchio, starring Roberto Benigni
Release Date: December 25
The Plot: Benigni! Benigni! Benigni!
The Pitch: Benigni! Benigni! Benigni!
Why It’s Inessential: Benigni! Benigni! Benigni!