Today’s new releases (are both crap!)

The Couch Potato Report
This week in The Couch Potato Report I’m going to say nice things about two of the worst movies of 2003.
There is an old adage that says: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
If I were to adhere to that all I would have for you in this week’s Couch Potato Report would be the titles of the two biggest films being released.
I’d just say: “The two new films that are out this week are BAD BOYS II and GIGLI. Enjoy the movies and I’ll see you on the couch.”
But I can’t just do that. I have to say something about these films, without being negative and proclaiming them two of the worst films of 2003.
Yes, since I have to be nice, I can’t tell you that these two films are nothing but a complete waste of your time.
Nor can I exaggerate for comedic effect and state that after watching either BAD BOYS II or GIGLI you’ll have to take a shower to get the stench of them off of you.
Nope, I can’t say those things. I have to be be nice.
Here goes.
Bad Boys II is the sequel to the 1995 release that launched the movie careers of two then-TV stars named Will Smith and Martin Lawrence.
The original BAD BOYS was an entertaining action film about two police partners in Miami. Smith and Lawrence both became big movie stars because of their great chemistry and the film was an unexpected surprise.
But that was the original BAD BOYS…now, lets see what I can say that is nice about the absolutely dreadful BAD BOYS II.
Hmmm…I’ve got it! BAD BOYS II, a movie that sees the Miami cops on the trail of drugs and a ruthless drug lord, isn’t as bad a GIGLI. Yes, that’s it, that’s what I’ll say, and its nice. The nice thing that I will say about BAD BOYS II is that it isn’t as bad a GIGLI.
Don’t get me wrong, BAD BOYS II is an absolute waste of time. But if you like things that blow up loud and blow up real good, at least you might find something worthwhile for some of the otherwise excruciating 2 hours and 27 minutes that the film runs.
No, BAD BOYS II isn’t as bad as GIGLI. But few films are.
But to be totally honest, its easy to pick on GIGLI. The Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez vehicle was universally panned by critics and moviegoers alike when it was released a few months ago. And when the Worst Of 2003 lists start to come out in the next few weeks expect to see this movie on or at the top of almost every one of them.
Yes, it is easy to pick on this film about a kidnapping mobster who falls for his female cohort.
Very easy!
But I want to say something nice, or I shouldn’t say anything at all.
Okay, something nice about GIGLI…oh! I’ve got it! At 2 hours and 1 minute, GIGLI is almost a half an hour shorter than BAD BOYS II! Yes, thatís it! That’s nice!
So if you happen to find yourself watching this dreck, as you sit through the implausible scenarios, the excruciating overacting by Christopher Walken and Al Pacino in their brief cameos, and the idiotic dialogue, you can rest secure in the knowledge that this movie, although much worse than BAD BOYS II, is 25 minutes shorter.
And there you go, I have managed to say nice things about two of the worst films of 2003! I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it.
To recap my niceties, BAD BOYS II, although it is a horrible movie, isn’t as bad as GIGLI. And GIGLI, one of the worst films of 2003, isn’t as long as BAD BOYS II.
Should you be curious to see just how bad they are BAD BOYS II and GIGLI are, they are both available at your local video store to rent and own right now.
Some movies that are actually worth seeing.
Seabiscuit – This true story was one of my favourite movies of 2003. It’s the story of an undersized Depression-era racehorse whose victories lifted not only the spirits of the three-man team behind it but also those of all of America as well. (Tobey Maguire, Jeff Bridges, Chris Cooper)
Freaky Friday – A Mother and daughter swap bodies and lives in this remake of the 1976 Jodie Foster classic. (Jamie Lee Curtis, Lindsay Lohan, Mark Harmon)
The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen – A Legion of superheroes try to defeat a masked madman’s plans in this almost a great movie. (Sean Connery, Naseeruddin Shah, Peta Wilson)
Rugrats Go Wild – The Rugrats call upon the Thornberrys when stuck on desert isle. (Lacey Chabert, Nancy Cartwright, Elizabeth Daily)
Enjoy the movies and I’ll see you on the couch!